[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw