Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
man i love columbo
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I needed a laugh this morning.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.