uh oh
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.