I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.