You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible