At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Cats (2019)
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Anyone want a chair?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men