[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-