Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You Might Also Like
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Perfect.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
🤣🤣💀
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR