My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Easy enough.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man