My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…