Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
You Might Also Like
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that