Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
😂💯
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses