Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
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VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
#StillHurts
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”