Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question