You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
You Might Also Like
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
True.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive