The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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good morning
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”