I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles