We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops