Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
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ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
wait.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?