I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
You Might Also Like
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.