When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”