I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair