Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or