The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
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*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Peace was never an option
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Happy Taco Tuesday