i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Pat is about to own someone
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
What in the hipster hell is going on here