New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
meow
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.