“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today