Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A family that plays together cheats.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.