My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I’m about to risk it all
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.