I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.