girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
😍😂🥰😂😍
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.