My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Holy moly
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally