Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Did I do this right
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!