Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.