Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Feels
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
😜
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
every college guy’s fridge
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
the greatest twitter interaction
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.