olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
dude it’s called proctologist
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED