Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
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I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.