You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
You Might Also Like
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem