“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I have never related to anyone more.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*