*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed