All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Home #decor warning.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.