I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*