My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My what?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.