My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.