2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?