I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The Punning Dead.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
“OMGJK” -atheists
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
the clam before the storm
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles