Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Monday
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”