I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.