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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
#TopTip
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
✌️
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”