Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Based Erika
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Print is alive and well!!!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?